Beppo
*
A Venetian Story
by George Gordon, Lord Byron
(Composed: October 1817)
1
- Tis known, at least it should be, that throughout
- All countries of the Catholic persuasion,
- Some weeks before Shrove Tuesday comes about,
- The People take their fill of recreation,
- And buy repentance, ere they grow devout,
- However high their rank, or low their station,
- With fiddling, feasting, dancing, drinking, masking,
- And other things which may be had for asking.
2
- The moment Night with dusky mantle covers
- The skies (and the more duskily the better),
- The Timeless liked by husbands than by lovers
- Begins, and Prudery flings aside her fetter,
- And Gaiety on restless tiptoe hovers,
- Giggling with all the Gallants who beset her;
- And there are Songs and quavers, roaring, humming,
- Guitars, and every other sort of strumming.
3
- And there are dresses, splendid but fantastical,
- Masks of all times and nations, Turks and Jews,
- And Harlequins and Clowns, with feats gymnastical,
- Greeks, Romans, Yankee-doodles, and Hindoos;
- All kinds of dress, except the ecclesiastical,
- All people, as their fancies hit, may choose,
- But no one in these parts may quiz the Clergy,
- Therefore take heed, ye Freethinkers! I charge ye.
4
- Youd better walk about begirt with briars,
- Instead of Coat and smallclothes, than put on
- A single stitch reflecting upon Friars,
- Although you swore it only was in fun;
- Theyd haul you oer the coals, and stir the fires
- Of Phlegethon with every mothers son,
- Nor say one Mass to cool the Caldrons bubble
- That boild your bonesunless you paid them double.
5
- But saving this, you may put on whateer
- You like by way of doublet, cape, or cloak,
- Such as in Monmouth Street, or in Rag Fair,
- Would rig you out in Seriousness or Joke;
- And even in Italy such places are
- With prettier name in softer accents spoke,
- For, bating Covent Garden, I can hit on
- No place thats called Piazza in Great Britain.
6
- This feast is named the Carnival, which being
- Interpreted implies Farewell to Flesh:
- So calld, because the name and thing agreeing,
- Through Lent they live on fish, both salt and fresh.
- But why they usher Lent with so much glee in
- Is more than I can tell, although I guess
- Tis as we take a glass with friends at parting
- In the Stage-Coach or Packet, just at starting.
7
- And thus they bid farewell to Carnal dishes,
- And solid meats, and highly spiced ragouts,
- To live for forty days on ill-dressd fishes,
- Because they have no sauces to their stews
- A thing which causes many poohs and pishes,
- And several oaths (which would not suit the Muse)
- From travellers accustomd from a boy
- To eat their Salmon, at the least, with Soy;
8
- And therefore humbly I would recommend
- The Curious in Fish-Sauce, before they cross
- The Sea, to bid their Cook, or wife, or friend,
- Walk or ride to the Strand, and buy in gross
- (Or if set out beforehand these may send
- By any means least liable to loss)
- Ketchup, Soy, Chili-Vinegar, and Harvey,
- Or, by the Lord! a Lent will well nigh starve ye.
9
- That is to say, if your Religions Roman,
- And you at Rome would do as Romans do,
- According to the proverb,although No man
- If foreign is obliged to fast, and you
- If Protestant, or sicklyor a woman
- Would rather dine in sin on a ragout
- Dine and be d____d! I dont mean to be coarse,
- But thats the penalty, to say no worse.
10
- Of all the places where the Carnival
- Was most facetious in the days of yore,
- For dance, and song, and serenade, and ball,
- And Masque, and Mime, and Mystery, and more
- Than I have time to tell now, or at all,
- Venice the bell from every city bore,
- And at the moment when I fix my story,
- That Sea-born City was in all her Glory.
11
- Theyve pretty faces yet, those same Venetians,
- Black eyes, archd brows, and sweet expressions still,
- Such as of old were copied from the Grecians,
- In ancient Arts by Moderns mimickd ill;
- And like so many Venuses of Titians
- (The bests at Florencesee it, if ye will),
- They look when leaning over the Balcony;
- Or steppd from out a picture by Giorgione,
12
- Whose tints are Truth and Beauty at their best;
- And when you to Manfrinis palace go,
- That Picture (howsoever fine the rest)
- Is loveliest to my mind of all the show;
- It may perhaps be also to your Zest,
- And thats the cause I rhyme upon it so:
- Tis but a portrait of his Son and Wife
- And Self; but such a Woman! Love in life!
13
- Love in full life and length, not Love ideal,
- No, nor ideal Beauty, that fine name,
- But something better still, so very real,
- That the sweet Model must have been the same;
- A thing that you would purchase, beg, or steal,
- Weret not impossible, besides a shame;
- The face recalls some face, as twere with pain,
- You once have seen, but neer will see again.
14
- One of those forms which flit by us, when we
- Are young, and fix our eyes on every face;
- And, oh! the Loveliness at times we see
- In momentary gliding, the soft grace,
- The Youth, the Bloom, the Beauty which agree
- In many a nameless being we retrace,
- Whose course and home we knew not, nor shall know,
- Like the lost Pleiad seen no more below.
15
- I said that like a picture by Giorgione
- Venetian women were, and so they are,
- Particularly seen from a balcony
- (For Beautys sometimes best set off afar)
- And there, just like a heroine of Goldoni,
- They peep from out the blind, or oer the bar;
- And truth to say theyre mostly very pretty,
- And rather like to show it, mores the Pity!
16
- For glances beget ogles, ogles sighs,
- Sighs wishes, wishes words, and words a letter,
- Which flies on wings of light-heeld Mercuries,
- Who do such things because they know no better;
- And then, God knows! what Mischief may arise,
- When Love links two young people in one fetter:
- Vile assignations, and adulterous beds,
- Elopements, broken vows, and hearts, and heads.
17
- Shakespeare described the Sex in Desdemona
- As very fair, but yet suspect in fame,
- And to this day from Venice to Verona
- Such matters may be probably the same,
- Except that since those times was never known a
- Husband whom mere Suspicion could inflame
- To suffocate a wife no more than twenty,
- Because she had a Cavalier Servente.
18
- Their jealousy (if they are ever jealous)
- Is of a fair complexion altogether,
- Not like that sooty devil of Othellos,
- Which smothers women in a bed of feather,
- But worthier of these much more jolly fellows,
- When weary of the matrimonial tether
- His head for such a wife no mortal bothers,
- But takes at once another, or anothers.
19
- Didst ever see a Gondola? For fear
- You should not, Ill describe it you exactly:
- Tis a long coverd boat thats common here,
- Carved at the prow, built lightly, but compactly,
- Rowd by two rowers, each calld Gondolier,
- It glides along the water looking blackly,
- Just like a Coffin clapt in a Canoe,
- Where none can make out what you say or do.
20
- And up and down the long Canals they go,
- And under the Rialto shoot along
- By night and day, all paces, swift or slow,
- And round the theatres, a sable throng,
- They wait in their dusk livery of woe,
- But not to them do woeful things belong,
- For sometimes they contain a deal of fun,
- Like Mourning Coaches when the funerals done.
21
- But to my story.Twas some years ago,
- It may be thirty, forty, more or less,
- The Carnival was at its height, and so
- Were all kinds of Buffoonery and dress;
- A Certain Lady went to see the show,
- Her real name I know not, nor can guess,
- And so well call her Laura, if you please,
- Because it slips into my verse with ease.
22
- She was not old, nor young, nor at the years
- Which certain people call a certain Age,
- Which yet the most uncertain age appears,
- Because I never heard, nor could engage
- A person yet by prayers, or bribes, or tears,
- To name, define by speech, or write on page,
- The period meant precisely by that word,
- Which surely is exceedingly absurd.
23
- Laura was blooming still, had made the best
- Of Time, and Time returnd the compliment,
- And treated her genteelly, so that, drest,
- She lookd extremely well whereer she went;
- A pretty woman is a welcome guest,
- And Lauras brow a frown had rarely bent;
- Indeed, she shone all Smiles, and seemd to flatter
- Mankind with her black eyes for looking at her.
24
- She was a married woman; tis convenient,
- Because in Christian countries tis a rule
- To view their little slips with eyes more lenient;
- Whereas if single ladies play the fool
- (Unless within the period intervenient
- A well-timed wedding makes the scandal cool),
- I dont know how they ever can get over it,
- Except they manage never to discover it.
25
- Her husband saild upon the Adriatic,
- And made some voyages, too, in other seas,
- And when he lay in Quarantine for Pratique
- (A forty days precaution gainst disease),
- His wife would mount, at times, her highest attic,
- For thence she could discern the ship with ease;
- He was a Merchant trading to Aleppo,
- His name Giuseppecalld more briefly, Beppo.
26
- He was a man as dusky as a Spaniard,
- Sunburnt with travel, yet a portly figure;
- Though colourd, as it were, within a tan-yard,
- He was a person both of sense and vigour
- A better Seaman never yet did man yard;
- And She, although her manners showd no rigour,
- Was deemd a woman of the strictest principle,
- So much as to be thought almost invincible.
27
- But several years elapsed since they had met;
- Some people thought the ship was lost, and some
- That he had somehow blunderd into debt,
- And did not like the thought of steering home;
- And there were several offerd any bet,
- Or that he would, or that he would not come,
- For Most Men (till by losing renderd sager)
- Will back their own opinions with a wager.
28
- Tis said that their last parting was pathetic,
- As partings often are, or ought to be,
- And their presentiment was quite prophetic,
- That they should never more each other see,
- (A sort of morbid feeling, half poetic,
- Which I have known occur in two or three)
- When kneeling on the shore upon her sad knee
- He left this Adriatic Ariadne.
29
- And Laura waited long, and wept a little,
- And thought of wearing weeds, as well she might;
- She almost lost all appetite for victual,
- And could not sleep with ease along at night;
- She deemd the window-frames and shutters brittle
- Against a daring House-breaker or Sprite,
- And so She thought it prudent to connect her.
- With a Vice-husband, chiefly to protect her.
30
- She chose, (and what is there they will not choose,
- If only you will but oppose their choice?)
- Till Beppo should return from his long cruise,
- And bid once more her faithful heart rejoice,
- A Man some women like, and yet abuse
- A Coxcomb was he by the public voice;
- A Count of wealth, they said, as well as quality,
- And (in his pleasures) of great liberality.
31
- And then he was A Count, and then he knew
- Music, and dancing, fiddling, French and Tuscan;
- The last not easy, be it known to you.
- For few Italians speak the right Etruscan.
- He was a Critic upon Operas, too,
- And knew all niceties of the sock and buskin;
- And no Venetian audience could endure a
- Song, scene, or air, when he cried Seccatura!
32
- His Bravo was decisivefor that sound
- Hushd Academie sighd in silent awe;
- The fiddlers trembled as he lookd around,
- For fear of some false notes detected flaw;
- The Prima Donnas tuneful heart would bound,
- Dreading the deep damnation of his Bah!
- Soprano, Basso, even the Contra-Alto,
- Wishd him five fathom under the Rialto.
33
- He patronised the Improvisatori,
- Nay, could himself extemporise some stanzas;
- Wrote rhymes, sang songs, could also tell a story,
- Sold pictures, and was skilful in the dance as
- Italians can bethough in this their glory
- Must surely yield the palm to that which France has;
- In short, he was a perfect Cavaliero,
- And to his very Valet seemd a Hero.
34
- Then he was faithful too, as well as amorous;
- So that no sort of female could complain
- Although theyre now and then a little clamourous,
- He never put the pretty souls in pain;
- His heart was one of those which most enamour us,
- Wax to receive, and Marble to retain:
- He was a lover of the good old School,
- Who still become more constant as they cool.
35
- No wonder such accomplishments should turn
- A female head, however sage and steady
- With scarce a hope that Beppo could return,
- In law he was almost as good as dead, he
- Nor sent, nor wrote, nor showd the least concern,
- And she had waited several years already;
- And really if a Man wont let us know
- That hes alive, hes dead, or should be so.
36
- Besides, within the Alps, to every woman,
- (Although, God knows! it is a grievous sin)
- Tis, I may say, permitted to have two men;
- I cant tell who first brought the custom in,
- But Cavalier Serventes are quite common,
- And no one notices nor cares a pin;
- And we may call this (not to say the worst)
- A Second Marriage which corrupts the First.
37
- The word was formerly a Cicisbeo,
- But that is now grown vulgar and indecent;
- The Spaniards call the person a Cortejo,
- For the same Mode subsists in Spain, though recent;
- In short, it reaches from the Po to Teio,
- And may perhaps at last be oer the Sea sent;
- But Heaven preserve Old England from such courses!
- Or what becomes of damage and divorces?
38
- However, I still think, with all due deference
- To the fair single part of the Creation,
- That married ladies should preserve the preference
- In tête-à-tête or general conversation
- And this I say without peculiar reference
- To England, France, or any other nation
- Because they know the world, and are at ease,
- And being natural, naturally please.
39
- Tis true, your budding Miss is very charming,
- But shy and awkward at first coming out,
- So much alarmd, that she is quite alarming,
- All Giggle, Blushhalf Pertness, and half-Pout
- And glancing at Mamma, for fear theres harm in
- What you, she, it, or they, may be about;
- The nursery still lisps out in all they utter
- Besides, they always smell of Bread and Butter.
40
- But Cavalier Servente is the phrase
- Used in politest circles to express
- This supernumary slave, who stays
- Close to the lady as a part of dress
- Her word the only law which he obeys.
- His is no Sinecure, as you may guess;
- Coach, Servants, Gondola, he goes to call,
- And carries fan and tippet, gloves and shawl.
41
- With all its sinful doings, I must say,
- That Italys a pleasant place to me,
- Who love to see the Sun shine every day,
- And vines (not naild to walls) from tree to tree
- Festoond, much like the back Scene of a play,
- Or Melodrame, which people flock to see
- When the first act is ended by a dance
- In Vineyards copied from the South of France.
42
- I like on Autumn evenings to ride out,
- Without being forced to bid my Groom be sure
- My Cloak is round his middle strappd about,
- Because the skies are not the most secure;
- I know too that, if stoppd upon my route
- Where the green alleys windingly allure,
- Reeling with grapes red waggons choke the way
- In England twould be dung, dust, or a dray.
43
- I also like to dine on Becaficas,
- To see the Sun set, sure hell rise tomorrow,
- Not through a misty morning twinkling weak as
- A drunken mans dead eye in maudlin sorrow,
- But with all Heaven thimself; the Day will break as
- Beauteous as cloudless, nor be forced to borrow
- That sort of farthing candlelight which glimmers
- Where reeking Londons smoky Caldron simmers.
44
- I love the language, that soft bastard Latin,
- Which melts like kisses from a female mouth,
- And sounds as if it should be writ on satin,
- With syllables which breathe of the sweet South,
- And gentle liquids gliding all so pat in
- That not a single accent seems uncouth
- Like our harsh Northern whistling, grunting guttural,
- Which were obliged to hiss, and spit, and sputter all.
45
- I like the women too (Forgive my folly!)
- From the rich peasant cheek of ruddy bronze,
- And large black eyes that flash on you a volley
- Of rays that say a thousand things at once,
- To the high Damas brow, more melancholy,
- But clear, and with a wild and liquid Glance,
- Heart on her lips, and Soul within her eyes,
- Soft as her clime, and Sunny as her skies.
46
- Eve of the land which still is Paradise!
- Italian Beauty! didst thou not inspire
- Raphael, who died in thy embrace, and vies
- With all we know of Heaven, or can desire
- In what he hath bequeathd us?in what guise,
- Though flashing from the fervour of the Lyre,
- Would Words describe thy past and present Glow,
- While yet Canova can create below?
47
- England! with all thy faults I love thee still!
- I said at Calais, and have not forgot it;
- I like to speak and lucubrate my fill;
- I like the Government (but that is not it);
- I like the freedom of the press and quill;
- I like the Hapeas Corpus (when weve got it);
- I like a parliamentary debate,
- Particularly when tis not too late;
48
- I like the taxes, when theyre not too many;
- I like a sea-coal fire, when not too dear;
- I like a beef-steak, too, as well as any;
- Have no objection to a pot of beer;
- I like the weatherwhen it is not rainy
- That is, I like two months of every Year;
- And so God save the Regent, Church, and King!
- Which means that I like all and every thing.
49
- Our standing Army, and disbanded Seamen,
- Poors rate, Reform, my own, the nations debt,
- Our little Riots just to show were free men,
- Our trifling Bankruptcies in the Gazette,
- Our cloudy Climate, and our chilly Women;
- All these I can forgive, and those forget,
- And greatly venerate our recent glories,
- And wish they were not owing to the Tories.
50
- But to my tale of Laurafor I find
- Digression is a sin, that by degrees
- Becomes exceeding tedious to my mind,
- And, therefore, may the reader too displease
- The gentle readerwho may wax unkind,
- And caring little for the Authors ease,
- Insist on knowing what he means, a hard
- And hapless situation for a Bard.
51
- Oh that I had the art of easy writing
- What should be easy reading! could I scale
- Parnassus, where the Muses sit inditing
- Those pretty poems never known to fail!
- How quickly would I print (the world delighting)
- A Grecian, Syrian, or Assyrian tale;
- And sell you, mixd with Western sentimentalism,
- Some samples of the finest Orientalism.
52
- But I am but a nameless sort of person
- (A broken Dandy lately on my travels)
- And take for Rhyme, to hook my rambling Verse on,
- The first that Walkers Lexicon unravels,
- And when I cant find that, I put a worse on,
- Not caring as I ought for Critics cavils;
- Ive half a mind to tumble down to prose,
- But Verse is more in fashionso here goes!
53
- The Count and Laura made their new arrangement,
- Which lasted, as Arrangements sometimes do,
- For half a dozen years without estrangement;
- They had their little differences, too;
- Those jealous whiffs, which never any change meant;
- In such affairs there probably are few
- Who have not had this pouting sort of squabble,
- From Sinners of high station to the Rabble.
54
- But, on the whole, they were a happy pair,
- As happy as unlawful love could make them;
- The Gentleman was fond, the Lady fair,
- Their chains so slight twas not worth while to break them;
- The World beheld them with indulgent air;
- The Pious only wishd the Devil take them!
- He took them not; he very often waits,
- And leaves old Sinners to be young ones baits.
55
- But they were young; Oh! what without our youth
- Would Love be! What would youth be without love!
- Youth lends it joy, and sweetness, vigour, truth,
- Heart, soul, and all that seems as from above;
- But, languishing with years, it grows uncouth
- One of few things Experience dont improve,
- Which is perhaps the reason why old fellows
- Are always so preposterously jealous.
56
- It was the Carnival, as I have said
- Some six and thirty stanzas back, and so
- Laura the usual preparations made,
- Which you do when your minds made up to go
- To-night to Mrs. Boehms Masquerade,
- Spectator, or Partaker in the show;
- The only difference known between the cases
- Is here, we have six weeks of varnishd faces.
57
- Laura, when dressd, was (as I sang before)
- A pretty woman as was ever seen,
- Fresh as the Angel oer a new Inn door,
- Or frontispiece of a new Magazine,
- With all the Fashions which the last month wore,
- Colourd, and silver paper leaved between
- That and the title-page, for fear the Press
- Should soil with parts of speech the parts of dress.
58
- They went to the Ridotto;tis a hall
- Where people dance, and sup, and dance again
- Its proper name perhaps were a masqued Ball,
- But thats of no importance to my strain;
- Tis (on a smaller scale) like our Vauxhall,
- Excepting that it cant be spoilt by Rain;
- The company is mixd (the phrase I quote is
- As much as saying theyre below your Notice).
59
- For a mixd company implies that, save
- Yourself and friends and half a hundred more
- Whom you may bow to without looking grave,
- The rest are but a vulgar setthe Bore
- Of public places, where they basely brave
- The fashionable stare of twenty score
- Of well-bred persons calld The Worldbut I,
- Although I know them, really dont know why.
60
- This is the case in England, at least was
- During the dynasty of Dandies, now
- Perchance succeeded by some other class
- Of imitated Imitators:how
- Irreparably soon decline, alas!
- The Demagogues of fashion; all below
- Is frail; how easily the World is lost
- By Love, or War, and now and then by Frost!
61
- Crushd was Napoleon by the northern Thor,
- Who knockd his army down with icy hammer,
- Stoppd by the Elements, like a Whaler, or
- A blundering Novice in his new French grammar;
- Good cause had he to doubt the chance of War,
- And as for Fortunebut I dare not d___n her,
- Because, were I to ponder to Infinity,
- The more I should believe in her Divinity.
62
- She rules the present, past, and all to be yet;
- She gives us luck in lotteries, love, and marriage;
- I cannot say that shes done much for me yet,
- Not that I mean her bounties to disparage
- Weve not yet closed accountsand we shall see yet
- How much shell make amends for past miscarriage.
- Meantime the Goddess Ill no more importune,
- Unless to thank her when shes made my fortune.
63
- To turnand to return, the Devil take it!
- This Story slips for ever through my fingers,
- Because, just as the Stanza likes to make it,
- It needs must be, and so it rather lingers:
- This form of verse began, I cant well break it,
- But must keep time and tune like public Singers;
- But if I once get through my present measure,
- Ill take another when Im at leisure.
64
- They went to the Ridotto (tis a place
- To which I mean to go myself to-morrow,
- Just to divert my thoughts a little space,
- Because Im rather hippish, and may borrow
- Some spirits, guessing at what kind of face
- May lurk beneath each mask; and as my sorrow
- Slackens its pace sometimes, Ill make or find
- Something shall leave it half an hour behind).
65
- Now Laura moves along the joyous crowd
- Smiles in her eyes, and simpers on her lips
- To some she whispers, others speaks aloud;
- To some she curtsies, and to some she dips,
- Complains of warmth and, this complaint avowd,
- Her lover brings the Lemonade she sips;
- She then surveys, condemns, but pities still
- Her dearest friends for being dressd so ill.
66
- One has false curls, another too much paint,
- A thirdwhere did She buy that frightful turban?
- A fourths so pale she fears shes going to faint,
- A fifths looks vulgar, dowdyish, and suburban,
- A sixths white silk has got a yellow taint,
- A sevenths thin Muslin surely will be her bane,
- And lo! an eighth appearsIll see no more!
- For fear, like Banquos kings, they reach a score.
67
- Meantime, while she was thus at others gazing,
- Others were leveling their looks at her;
- She heard the Mens half-whisperd mode of praising,
- And, till twas done, determined not to stir;
- The women only thought it quite amazing
- That, at her time of Life, so many were
- Admirers stillbut Men are so debased,
- Those brazen creatures always suit their taste.
68
- For my part now, I neer could understand
- Why naughty Womenbut I wont discuss
- A thing which is a Scandal to the land;
- I only dont see why it should be thus;
- And if I were but in a gown and band
- Just to entitle me to make a fuss
- Id preach on this till Wilberforce and Romilly
- Should quote in their next speeches from my homily.
69
- While Laura thus was seen, and seeing, smiling,
- Talking, she knew not why, and cared not what,
- So that her female friends, with envy broiling,
- Beheld her airs and triumph, and all that,
- And well-dressd males still kept before her filing,
- And passing bowd and mingled with her chat;
- More than the rest, one person seemd to stare
- With pertinacity thats rather rare.
70
- He was a Turk, the colour of mahogany;
- And Laura saw him, and at first was glad,
- Because the Turks so much admire Phylogyny,
- Although their usage of their wives is sad;
- Tis said they use no better than a dog any
- Poor woman, whom they purchase like a pad;
- They have a number, though they neer exhibit em,
- Four Wives by law, and Concubines ad libitum.
71
- They lock them up, and veil and guard them daily;
- They scarcely can behold their male relations,
- So that their moments do not pass so gaily
- As is supposed the case with Northern nations;
- Confinement, too, must make them look quite palely;
- And as the Turks abhor long conversations,
- Their days are either passd in doing nothing,
- Or bathing, nursing, making love, and clothing.
72
- They cannot readand so dont lisp in Criticism;
- Nor writeand so they dont affect the Muse;
- Were never caught in epigram or witticism,
- Have no romances, sermons, plays, reviews
- In harams Learning soon would make a pretty schism!
- But luckily these beauties are no Blues;
- No bustling Botherbys have they to show em
- That charming passage in the last new poem!
73
- No solemn Antique gentleman of rhyme,
- Who, having angled all his life for Fame
- And getting but a nibble at a time,
- Still fussily keeps fishing on, the same
- Small Triton of the Minnows, the sublime
- Of mediocrity, the furious tame,
- The echos Echo, usher of the School
- Of female Wits, boy bardsin short, a fool!
74
- A stalking Oracle of awful phrase,
- The approving Good! (By no means GOOD in law)
- Humming like flies around the newest blaze,
- The bluest of Bluebottles you eer saw,
- Teasing with blame, excruciating with praise,
- Gorging the little fame he gets all raw,
- Translating tongues he knows not even by letter,
- And sweating plays so middling, bad were better.
75
- One hates an Author thats all Author, fellows
- In foolscap uniforms turnd up with ink,
- So very anxious, clever, fine, and jealous,
- One dont know what to say to them, or think,
- Unless to puff them with a pair of Bellows;
- Of Coxcombrys worst Coxcombs een the pink
- Are preferable to these shreds of paper,
- These unquenchd snufflings of the midnight taper.
76
- Of these same we see several, and of others,
- Men of the World, who know the world like men,
- Scott, Rogers, Moore, and all the better brothers
- Who think of something else besides the pen;
- But for the Children of the Mighty Mothers
- The would-be Wits, and cant-be Gentlemen
- I leave them to their daily Tea is ready,
- Smug Coterie, and Literary Lady.
77
- The poor dear Mussulwomen whom I mention
- Have none of these instructive, pleasant people,
- And One would seem to them a new Invention,
- Unknown as bells within a Turkish steeple;
- I think twould almost be worth while to pension
- (Though best-sown projects very often reap ill)
- A Missionary Author, just to preach
- Our Christian usage of the parts of Speech.
78
- No Chemistry for them unfolds her gases,
- No Metaphysics are let loose in lectures,
- No Circulating Library amasses
- Religious novels, moral tales, and strictures
- Upon the living manners, as they pass us;
- No Exhibition glares with annual pictures;
- They stare not on the Stars from out their Attics,
- Nor deal (thank God for that!) in Mathematics.
79
- Why I thank God for that is no great matter;
- I have my reasons, you no doubt suppose,
- And as perhaps they would not highly flatter,
- Ill keep them for my life (to come) in prose;
- I fear I have a little turn for Satire,
- And yet, methinks, the older that one grows
- Inclines us more to laugh than scold, though Laughter
- Leaves us no doubly serious shortly after.
80
- Oh, mirth and innocence! Oh, milk and water!
- Ye happy mixtures of more happy days!
- In these sad centuries of sin and slaughter,
- Abominable Man no more allays
- His thirst with such pure beverage. No matter,
- I love you both, and both shall have my praise;
- Oh, for old Saturns reign of sugar-candy!
- Meantime I drink to your return in Brandy.
81
- Our Lauras Turk still kept his eyes upon her,
- Less in the Mussulman than Christian way,
- Which seems to say, Madam, I do you honour,
- And while I please to stare, youll please to stay!
- Could staring win a woman, this had won her,
- But Laura could not thus be led astray;
- She had stood fire too long and well, is boggle
- Even at this Strangers most outlandish Ogle.
82
- The Morning now was on the point of breaking,
- A turn of time at which I would advise
- Ladies who have been dancing, or partaking
- In any other kind of Exercise,
- To make their preparations for forsaking
- The Ball-room ere the Sun begins to rise,
- Because when once the lamps and candles fail,
- His Blushes make them look a little pale.
83
- Ive seen some balls and revels in my time,
- And stayd them over for some silly reason;
- And then I lookd (I hope it was no crime)
- To see what lady best stood out the Season;
- And though Ive seen some thousands in their prime,
- Lovely and pleasing, and who still may please on,
- I never saw but One (the stars withdrawn)
- Whose bloom could, after dancing, dare the dawn.
84
- The name of this Aurora Ill not mention,
- Although I might, for She was nought to me
- More than that patent work of Gods invention,
- A charming woman, whom we like to see;
- But writing names would merit reprehension,
- Yet if you like to find out this fair She,
- At the next London or Parisian ball
- You still may mark her cheek, out-blooming all.
85
- Laura, who knew it would not do at all
- To meet the daylight after seven hours sitting
- Among three thousand people at a ball,
- To make her curtsy thought it right and fitting;
- The Count was at her elbow with her shawl,
- And they the room were on the point of quitting,
- When lo! those cursed gondoliers had got
- Just in the very place where they should not.
86
- In this theyre like our Coachmen, and the cause
- Is much the samethe Crowd, and pulling, hauling
- With blasphemies enough to break their jaws
- They make a never-intermitted bawling.
- At home, our Bow Street Gem'men keep the laws,
- And here a Sentry stands within your calling;
- But for all that, there is a deal of swearing,
- And nauseous words past mentioning or bearing.
87
- The Count and Laura found their boat at last,
- And homeward floated oer the silent tied,
- Discussing all the dances gone and past;
- The Dancers and their dresses, too, beside.
- Some little Scandals eke; but all aghast
- (As to their palace-stairs the rowers glide)
- Sate Laura by the side of her Adorer,
- When lo! the Mussulman was there before her!
88
- Sir! said the Count, with brow exceeding grave,
- Your unexpected presence here will make
- It necessary for myself to crave
- Its importbut perhaps tis a mistake.
- I hope it is so, and at once to waive
- All complimentI hope so for your sake;
- You understand my meaning, or you shall.
- Sir (quoth the Turk), tis no mistake at all:
89
- That Lady is my Wife! Much wonder paints
- The Ladys changing cheek, as well it might,
- But where an Englishwoman sometimes faints,
- Italian females dont do so outright;
- They only call a little on their Saints,
- And then come to themselves, almost or quite,
- Which saves much hartshorn, salts, and sprinkling faces,
- And cutting stays, as usual in such cases.
90
- She saidwhat could she say? why, not a word:
- But the Count courteously invited in
- The Stranger, much appeased by what he heard;
- Such things perhaps wed best discuss within,
- Said he, dont let us make ourselves absurd
- In public, by a Scene, nor raise a din,
- For then the chief and only satisfaction
- Will be much quizzing on the whole transaction.
91
- They enterd, and for coffee calld; it came,
- A beverage for Turks and Christians both,
- Although the way they make its not the same.
- Now Laura, much recoverd, or less loth
- To speak, cries Beppo! whats your Pagan name?
- Bless me! your beard is of amazing growth!
- And how came you to keep away so long?
- Are you not sensible twas very wrong?
92
- And are you really, truly, now a Turk?
- With any other women did you wive?
- Ist true they use their fingers for a fork?
- Well, thats the prettiest Shawlas Im alive!
- Youll give it me? They say you eat no pork.
- And how so many years did you contrive
- ToBless me! did I ever? No, I never
- Saw a man grown so yellow! Hows your liver?
93
- Beppo! that beard of yours becomes you not;
- It shall be shaved before youre a day older;
- Why do you wear it? Oh! I had forgot
- Pray dont you think the weather here is colder?
- How do I look? You shant stir from this spot
- In that queer dress, for fear that some beholder
- Should find you out, and make the story known.
- How short your hair is! Lord! how grey its grown!
94
- What answer Beppo made to these demands
- Is more than I know. He was cast away
- About where Troy stood once, and Nothing stands;
- Became a Slave of course, and for his pay
- Had bread and bastinadoes, till some bands
- Of pirates landing in a neighbouring bay,
- He joind the rogues and prosperd, and became
- A Renegado of indifferent fame.
95
- But he grew rich, and with his riches grew so
- Keen the desire to see his home again,
- He thought himself in duty bound to do so,
- And not be always thieving on the Main;
- Lonely he felt at times as Robin Crusoe,
- And so he hired a vessel come from Spain,
- Bound for Corfu: she was a fine polacca,
- Mannd with twelve hands, and laden with tobacco.
96
- Himself, and much (Heaven knows how gotten!) Cash,
- He then embarkd, with risk of life and limb,
- And got clear off, although the attempt was rash.
- He said that Providence protected him;
- For my part, I say nothinglest we clash
- In our opinionswell, the Ship was trim,
- Set sail, and kept her reckoning fairly on,
- Except three days of calm when off Cape Bonn.
97
- They reachd the Island, he transferrd his lading
- And self and live stock to another bottom,
- And passd for a true Turkey-Merchant, trading
- With goods of various namesbut Ive forgot em.
- However, he got off by this evading,
- Or else the people would perhaps have shot him;
- And thus at Venice landed to reclaim
- His wife, religion, house, and Christian name.
98
- His Wife received, the Patriarch re-baptised him
- (He made the Church a present, by the way);
- He then threw off the Garments which disguised him
- And borrowd the Counts small clothes for a day:
- His friends the more for his long absence prized him,
- Finding hed wherewithal to make them gay,
- With dinnerswhere he oft became the laugh of them;
- For storiesbut I dont believe the half of them.
99
- Whateer his Youth had sufferd, his old Age
- With wealth and talking made him some amends;
- Though Laura sometimes put him in a rage,
- Ive heard the Count and He were always friends.
- My pen is at the bottom of a page,
- Which being finishd, here the story ends;
- Tis to be wishd it had been sooner done,
- But Stories somehow lengthen when begun.
*(Poem was originally published anonymously, 28 February 1818)
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